Is Judge Judy part of America's Clown Prosecution Service?

The following questions and answers are from a book called Disorder in the Courts. They are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters who struggled to keep a straight face while the exchanges were taking place. I'm guessing the whole scenario is pure American American...our friends across the Pond always have been a been a law unto their Gucci sweats, whatever they are...

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? 

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And finally . . . . .
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

Picking the bones out of life as an expat

LIKE most expats, I came  to Spain to enjoy the sun, the sea and a peaceful retirement.
And in the main I have achieved my every desire.
Occasionally, however, my  Mediterranean voyage has hit a stretch of choppy water.
It’s like air turbulence on a plane - you just wish it hadn’t started and pray it will go away.
This week’s shenanigans involved an email exchange with a stranger who had made an instant judgement of my character - and got it all wrong. Either that or I'm not as nice an old Grumpy as I thought I was.
Anyway,  fur and feathers flew through the ether and the ensuing email war got so out of control that I was ready to commit a Midzimmer Murder.
Then, suddenly, we both realised how stupid it all was - and the tidal wave of turbulence vanished in an instant.
The bitter foes are now the best of enemies with an upcoming coffee date on the agenda.
Oops, better not say coffee - it's been banned from my diet. On doctor’s orders.
Dr X wants me to sup green tea instead - and who am I to argue with a man whose past patients include Royalty and Hollywood superstars?
While chiropractic is not everyone’s cup of tea, the influence of Dr Xavier Dutey-Harispe seems to be having a positive effect on my Parkinson’s. So much so that I was positively bouncing when I left his Algorfa clinic on Tuesday. I felt 10 years younger than when I went in - and ready for a real knees up rather than pretending to play knee-ball as part of my exercise therapy.
I believe the combination of chiropractic, acupuncture and a caring practitioner is definitely working. And Dr X, a Basque from Biarritz who counts Royalty and Hollywood stars among his past patients, has convinced me that with his facilitation, my body’s own healing powers can reverse the increasing weakness in my  (left) writing hand.
I know this all sounds like a plug for Dr X - but, those who practice the skill insist that chiropractic does not CURE anything - it just clears the way for the body to complete its natural restoration process.
Meanwhile, the doctor and his assistant Catherine Estall believe there is a lack of knowledge in the general community of what chiropractic actually is.
Dr X also emphasises the caring side of the relationship between practitioner and patient. Unlike the cold, formal relationship between most GPs and their patients, he is a great advocate of hugs and kisses.
I don’t want other victims of Parkinson’s to think chiropractic or acupuncture will necessarily help them.
No two people have the same symptoms and we all have our own preferred treatment and medication regimes. But I personally have a  great belief in positivity and good humour as a therapy for ill health.
Now I also have physical evidence that the X Factor is actually triggering my creaking body to revive itself.
Carry on at this rate and I’ll soon be joining my good friend Marjory at her line-dancing classes.
Problem is, I'd fall off.the line.