Warning: Get the Cambridge diet wrong and you'll hit rock bottom

I HIT rock bottom last weekend, literally.
But at least I’m still here – and that's more than I expected at my loo-ist point (yes, loo-ist, read on for explanation).
I actually began to bottom out  late on Friday, when my brain signalled an immediate drop-off and I headed for the WC.
Moments later the stable door was open but the horse wouldn't budge. I was constipated with a vengeance.
I spent virtually the entire night creased up on the loo, convinced I had a permanent blockage and fearing I was going to bloat up and explode like a pricked balloon.
I considered calling 112 but the thought of paramedics catching me with my pants down was too embarrassing for words. So I just sat there, cursing the Cambridge 800 diet I had started the previous week, and wondering who would find the 1,000 bits of bloated body I left behind (pun intended, as ever).
Now that it’s all over, I can now laugh at the Weekend of Weak Ends. Or Tight Ends, to be more accurate.
Either way, panic sent in when my bowel and bladder suddenly went on strike. I was so busy trying to force a return to work that it was breakfast time before I had the sense to call my Cambridge 800 consultant Debi Winston.
“Don't worry. You've clearly not been drinking enough water,'' she scolded.
“Just drink and drink and within an hour or two the problem will be solved.''
Unlike her patient, Debi, a qualified senior nurse, knew what she was talking about. And well before midday I was indeed back to my grumpy old self.
My flirtation with the Cambridge 800 diet was always going to be a major challenge. I knew from the off that I would struggle to drink the required 2.5 litres of liquid every day. Or even for one day.
“Just do the best you can,''  Debi had urged when I expressed my doubts. The vital message did not get over to me – that if I DIDN'T pour those 2.5 litres into the well, there would be consequences. And they would not be pleasant.
In the event, what I thought was a decent amount of water over the first few days of  my diet probably totalled little more than one litre.
So I really have to blame myself for the sweat I got into on Friday night. Had anyone seen the bizarre pan-orama,  they might well have mistaken it for a Poo Bare impersonation!
Having told that, I am told that nominations for the 2014 Strain of Britain award are still open.
Not since my argument with a large kidney stone back in the 1990s had I suffered so much discomfort as I did on Friday night.
Common sense should have told me the lack of water meant my system had been unable to break down the high-energy Cambridge products – and consequently everything had seized up.
I know the diet works but it clearly cannot be toyed with. My instinct at the weekend was that the regime was not for me
But now that I have (hopefully) found my way, I owe it to Debi and Co to keep it going.

Can Sarah's Cambridge crew really win me the bloat race?

DIETING is usually heavy going, no matter which way you look at it.
But what do you do when the heavy won't go? Or, to put it more accurately, when you are motivated more by chocolate than the need to lose weight?
In my case, you talk to an expert like Sarah Hawes - and then put your money on Cambridge to win the Bloat Race.
I’m referring to the Cambridge Weight Plan and the Cambridge 800 Plan -  the Spanish subsidiary set up by Ms Hawes.
I’m hoping Sarah’s products will point me the weigh I want to go after making a hash of my attempt to remove the massive excesses of late 2013.
They say the road to hell is paved with best intentions - and two weeks into my 2014 War on Wobble, I found myself stumbling down Devil's Drive.
After losing two and a half stone in the first six months of last year, I thought it would be easy to shed the 10-kilo bloat that cancelled out all but a few pounds of that loss by Christmas.
What I overlooked was that I was motivated a year ago by the accompanying challenge of raising money for my sick granddaughter Daisy’s charity,
Tis time I decided to use the same basic plan of cutting out the carbs and duly  the house of potatoes, rice, pasta and bread. I put a ban on anything fried, vetoed all sweets, cakes and biscuits - and began Donna’s Diet, Part Two.
My only concession was to allow myself two squares of chocolate a day.
Last year, I stuck rigidly to the regime. This time, I peered into the fridge half way through Week Two, l stared longingly at the large milk chocolate bar I had bought that day, and promptly scoffed  the lot. I'd lured myself into the gloom of the Choccy Horror Show - and I needed an expert to help me escape.
I considered joining Weight Watchers; Slimming World, the Atkins Diet, just about every weight-loss programme around. All had their pros; all had their cons. I couldn't try them all (at least not at the same time), so I asked my daughter Hayley, who always seems to be dieting.
“I've found the Cambridge Plan very good for what I need,'’’ she said, “but it would not suit everyone. I'm on the 800 calories a day programme, which is very hard to stick to.’’
Ultra-enthusiast Sarah Hawes introduced Cambridge  800 to Spain in 2011. A former medical representative, she has rapidly built a Spanish empire that already encompasses the coastal regions, Balearics, Canary Islands and Madrid, Barcelona and Bilbao.
And she says proudly: “Our Consultant numbers are growing daily and our customer numbers are flying. The product is a quality science-based product and is a complete programme, developed by doctors for the general public. We still have a medical department that helps with challenging medical conditions and have an ongoing clinical research programme.’’
This article is not an advert for the Cambridge Plan - the idea is to chronicle the success or failure of my 2014 Battle of the Bulge.
However, my colleague Ivie Davies, the Courier’s golf correspondent, can’t praise Sarah and Co. enough..
He lost more than three stone  in seven months (see before and after pictures)

and says: “I was able to have ‘normal’ food in an evening and as long as I drank 2.5 litres of water, everything was fine coupled with the supplements.’’
Last Monday, buoyed by the Cambridge emphasis on catering for the needs of clients with health problems, I went to see my local consultant Debi Winston, completed a detailed application form and weighed in at 88.4 kilos - or a fraction under 13st 13lb.
The Cambridge medical team in England quickly cleared me to start the1,200 calorie Plan and I should  get my first fill of products from Debi today (Friday).
Come on Cambridge! This Bloat Race is going to be OARSOME!